Its Hard to accept.
That isnt why im posting though. Forgive my grammer and spelling errors im not really out to prove anything. I just would like to talk about something.
I have a cat. Shes 15 years old. Ive had her since I was 6. Shes grown up with me. From my many adventures as teenager to my slow growth into adulthood and my attempt at maturity. Shes just been there.
I look at people, their families, their children, my friends etc.. I look at people in love and people who show love and I ask myself what it all means in "the end". You know.. god and heaven and life and earth and all those crazy unanswered questions.
People read what I write sometimes and tell me my thoughts are very sad but I dont think im "emo". I think thats the way people read it, but In my irl, its much less emotional than it sounds.
My cat is dying.
I have been depressed this last 4-5 days because, I know she is dying and, I think I am going back "down the drain". I call it that when I get really depressed.
I have spent the last 2-3 years changing everything I am for others because I want people to like me and stand by me. I want to be a better person. Now as I sit down on the carpet petting my kitten as she lay there dying, with her fur shedding through the palm of my hand as I try and give her comfort..everything I have become is fading.
I just don’t care anymore. Not about anyone or anything. I am becoming selfish again.
What is life? What Am I? What are you? What are we? What have we become? What will be become? What is love? What is death? What is the purpose of "all of this"? Who will tell me these things. I want to understand what is happening and why. Help me understand. I need to understand.
Funny. I used to laugh at my 8th grade teacher because she was divorced and lived with only her cat. And now as I sit here thinking how much, how so much I love my cat, I would just do anything to save her. I want to save her. Why is this happening i Ask myself.
I never considered myself a "home body". I used to love being social and just trying to do what normal young adults do but I dont anymore. I dont care about partying. I dont do drugs, I dont judge people. I have an open heart and I try SO HARD to be nice to people in my life, in game and everywhere. I try to feel what people feel inspite always being so numb. I try to be there for strangers because I know what its like to feel from someone who is just and can be nice to you for no reason. And its for real. Im not fake like so many people who just pretend to give a shit.
My cat is going to die and im going to continue living. Thats Pretty fucked up. Pretty fucked up. And Im supposed to just accept this? Because thats life right? Because you live and you die. Thats part of life. I ask myself but why? Is this supposed to be some kind of gift to me? To live and watch people and things I love die?
I’m supposed to just accept this and move on and build a life and look on the bright side. Up until about 4 days ago I considered myself a baptist Christian. Today I am, human. I dont know if a god exists, I dont know what the purpose of all this is but I do know, I have given more than ive taken.
Supposedly if you live life a certain way to someones standards (someone you cant see or feel or touch) you will be allowed into some paradise with all the people you loved in life, when you die. What about animals though? PEOPLE ONRY? jp ONRY?
The funny thing about the bible is (ive read king james front to back, took sunday school when I was younger) it makes everything sound so easy. Do this, and do that, and dont do this and dont do that and oh yeah maybe ill let you see your loved ones after you die but the people you left behind? pshh they’re fucked. They still down in the real world suffering from their loss.
Its quite obvious God was -never- human. He was never in love, He never felt the things human beings feel. Assuming he even exists.
So I’m just supposed to accept it, when someone or something I love, so much, dies and move on. Hell, If im a good girl, Ill see them someday again. Right? But only if they are HUMAN. I got this down right? Ok good, just trying to understand what it is about what Im going through that will make sense.
Thats just assuming god exists, and if he doesnt, theres no question life isnt/wasnt a gift. If god doesnt exist and going through all this pain and sadness means NOTHING in the end… were fucked. At least I am. This might sound like something an emo person would say but im gonna go on a limb and say for most people, life is filled more with sad/unhappiness than complete joy and happiness. I dont its a coincidence either.
I pray and hope, there is some meaning or purpose behind this because.. For all that people go through in their lives, it would be a shame to imagine "this is it".
When i was just a baby 6 years old, she was just a baby and now im just now adjusting into adult hood and shes old, and dying. And Im gonna wake up everyday without something I really loved. Your prolly thinking "wow get over it, its just an animal.". You have NO idea how much I used to think that exact same thing hearing about other peoples pets dying.
Yet, here I am. All that I am.
But I’m about to be something else. A Huge part of me will be lost. I dont know what I will become.
I hope when I come out of this, I won’t be angry at the world or God. I hope I wont be a bad person. I hope I will stay who I am and live everyday trying to be better as I have. That is what I want.
But what I want doesn’t matter right? I Cant save her.. I want to. I would do anything to save her. I know I cant though…
I just hope I can save myself, you know?
Who I am. All that I Am.
Amy
To Appease
Here is a blog. Just for you.
Ok seriously though. Is the action of or even word etiquette non-existant? From people constantly walking on my heels as I’m walking as fast as I possibly can (which -trust me- is VERY fast), to people pushing and shoving to get on the Skytrain in the morning. Hell even budging in line to get coffee or lunch.
For example: I used transit quite often to go back and forth from Victoria to Vancouver before I finally ended up moving to Vancouver. When going to Vancouver I would catch the bus that would take me directly onto the ferry. I would usually get there about 45 minutes early to make sure I got a seat and about 9 times out of 10 I was first in line. Oh but wait - apparently even though I am standing right where the line starts, (pointed out by a sign that says "To Tsawwassen" - Which is the dock to get to Vancouver) it does not mean that the line starts at me. The bus driver opens the doors and people rush to get on the bus ahead of me, oddly enough, it is usually the elderly. So I bite my tongue and let them on first.
Until, that is, one of the last times I was going back from Vancouver to Victoria. My boyfriend would drive me to the ferry on the Vancouver side and once on the ferry, I would have to rush to the ticket desk and wait 30 minutes for the bus driver to start selling tickets for the bus back to Victoria (he only starts selling them once the ferry is in motion). Get my ticket, turn on my laptop, watch some Smallville while I wait for the 1 hour and 45 minute ride to be over. Now, because so many people do what I do, I go down to the vehicle deck about 30 minutes before docking. I’m usually the only one to do this because there is nothing to do while down there (I would listen to my iPod and play Bejewelled on it or something).
I stood along side the bus, and waited. I hear the announcement "If you are boarding a bus on the ferry, please make your way down to the vehicle deck now". People start coming and lining up behind me. Here’s were I get pissed off. An elderly couple, probably in their late 60’s/early 70’s walk up the line (of about 30 people by now) and stand in front of me. I sigh deeply, but whatever. Then they are joined by their friends, 2 more couples. I say "Excuse me, the line starts here" and I point at my feet. Now, here is where I get the nastiest look from one of the women, like because they are older than me, they should be able to get on first. I do believe in respect for the elderly, but NOT when they are disrespecting an entire line full of people. They were all perfectly capable of walking/standing, they came down the stairs, not the escalator or the elevator.
Since when is it ok to budge then act like I’m a horrible person for pointing it out?
I relayed something that happened to me in chat yesterday, if you were there, you know I’m talking about the Skytrain incident. Where a mob of people were lined up at the Skytrain and shoving eachother in an attempt to get on. Not letting other people off mind you, just pushing as soon as the doors opened. Even to the extent where they pushed over an older woman and wouldn’t even let her get up. Yes, I yelled at them. I told them to mind their manners. I was given nothing but looks of distaste and what semeed like "how dare you". I have lost a friend to a Skytrain, there are no bars or guide rails to stop people from being pushed onto the tracks. So excuse me if I tell you to stop pushing because you might kill someone.
I thank God that my father raised me properly. Hell he has even been yelled at by the elderly. In Duncan (where he lives) he parked in the "Seniors Parking" one morning when we were going grocery shopping (he is 70 now but at the time he was ~67) and a woman cursed at him for "Taking a spot meant for older people". My father, being the curteous man that he is, produced his drivers license and Seniors Care Card (a Canadian thing - only the elderly get Gold Care Cards) and said "I have a right to this spot Madam".
So in closing. Mind your manners. It’s not hard. Hold the door for people, don’t clip their heels when you’re walking behind them, wait patiently for your turn, no one cares about the loud conversation you’re having on your cellphone in public nor do they want to see your bright cellphone light and hear the clicking noise you didn’t mute as you’re texting during a movie. Treat people how you want to be treated.
New World of Warcraft MMO Gaming Mouse
Blizzard just came out with their new Steelseries World of Warcraft MMO Gaming Mouse with 15 buttons (let me repeat that) 15 buttons. Gamers can now configure complicated macros and in-game actions. This is all swell and all, but why don’t Blizzard just make a Bot to play for us instead. I mean is it fair for a average gamer with their 3-4 button mouse and still using a keyboard to go against this behemoth of a so called “mouse”. Here are the details they have at the Steelseries site:
- Macros up to 160 characters
- A total of 15 programmable buttons
- Over 130 predefined commands for drag-and-drop macro creation
- 16 million illumination choices with 3 intensity and pulsation levels
- World’s first gaming mouse designed exclusively for World of Warcraft®
As you can see it is designed exclusively for World of Warcraft so if you play WOW then you must get this mouse if you ever want to achieve the best WOW player ever!! Basically this mouse is useless outside of gaming, but hey you want to get a gaming mouse. Oh yea the cost of this great mouse is only “ONLY” $99.99. Hell, that is so cheap i’ll get the bundle which comes with the mouse pad for $134.99. Yes that is correct sir you only need to pay a extra $35 bucks to get a specially designed compressed fiber fabric, which is superheated and then laser cut. Not making that up go check out the details yourself at their site. Seriously, COME ON $35 bucks for a mouse pad jeez I’m already going to pay $100 bucks for your mouse why don’t you just give me the mouse pad for free. I’m sure a lot of WoW players will buy it and they will think the mouse will improve their gaming. However, some of us that play WoW can’t afford to shell out $100 bucks for a mouse that is only useful in games. Don’t get me wrong though it looks cool, but if let say you have a girlfriend or regular non WoW friends come over to your house. Will you hide the price and the mouse from them?
Personally I rather be wearing this gaming headset when I face the wrath of the Lich King:
Final Fantasy XI implements the RMT PWNER version 1.337 to battle RMT
Filed under: Fantasy, Final Fantasy XI, Culture, Game mechanics, News items
The Final Fantasy XI anti-RMT task force has always been very aggressive in their pursuit of gil farmers and gil sellers in the world of Vana’diel, but the latest task force update shows that they’re about to get even more technological in their investigations.
Enter the RMT PWNER program, version 1.337. (No, we totally did not make that up.) This program can parse the many servers of FFXI for information regarding the buying and selling transactions of a character under suspicion of the task force. The program will then list all characters who have associated with that character’s associates, and so on and so on. This way, the task force will be able to easily track all members of a supposed RMT group without doing all of the human legwork of tracking through endless log files.
Continue reading Final Fantasy XI implements the RMT PWNER version 1.337 to battle RMT
Final Fantasy XI implements the RMT PWNER version 1.337 to battle RMT originally appeared on Massively on Tue, 06 Jan 2009 09:00:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.
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‘EVE Online’ Reaches Highest User Base
Day after day, it seems I get the (dis)pleasure of reporting on someone’s demise, or some company’s near ruin, or a game that’s gone to the dogs.
So it makes my day that CCP’s MMORPG EVE Online is shooting ablaze beyond its 5,000 star systems.
EVE reach a record-high 45,186 simultaneous players on its single-shared server.
Since the game launched in ‘03, it’s gone beyond 240,000 active subscribers.
It’s so damn serious now that it’s even got an in-game economy which is overseen by Dr. Eyjolfur Gudmundsson, a real-world economist.
That’s some state of the nation stuff, right?
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Viking’s punter considers World of Warcraft name change
Football is not really known for having colorful characters. It has a few scary ones with prison records, and a few unfaithful ones with relationship issues that makes the press, but so far nothing that can be called amusingly colorful. It’s definitely gotten a reputation as a thug sport, so a little playfulness certainly wouldn’t hurt. One football punter may change all that if his recent interview can be believed.
It seems that punter for the American Football Conference team the Minnesota Vikings, Chris Kluwe, declared in a recent print interview that he loves World of Warcraft so much he might change his name to reflect it. It turns out it wasn’t totally his idea. Apparently his team mates know of his addiction to World of Warcraft (often playing as much as 6 hours a day) and have given him a World of Warcraft nick name as a joke, and he is just considering rolling with it, whether seriously or in jest no one knows.
Kluwe points out that other players have changed their names as well, including Chad “Ocho Cinco” Johnson, who took the nick name “Ocho Cinco” as his new name, but to take on the name of a video game would certainly make a splash. If he goes through with the hairbrained idea he would become Chris Warcraft, instead of Chris “Warcraft” Kluwe. He’d certainly make some endorsement money with a name like that!
He has been a lifelong gamer, riding a controller since the early age of 4. In World of Warcraft his character is a troll rogue, more specifically, a troll rogue on the Kil’jaeden server, if you want to keep an eye out for him and combine two of your favorite things, sports and gaming. The interview where he talked about his love of games was in the Star Tribune and in which Kotaku originally mentioned the interesting name change.
Legal Battles in Gaming Make for Game, Business, Law Summit
If this trend continues I believe we may very well all need law degrees simply to play the games we love so much. When you start playing games on your Nintendo Wii, your Microsoft Xbox 360 or even your computer, you might not realize the thorny legal and business issues behind the amazing graphics and the gripping musical score. Digital gaming is one of the world’s fastest growth industries—up 26 percent last year, even with the economic slowdown—and it is no surprise that where there is money, there is lawsuits.
One of the trickiest areas is the intersection of intellectual property law and virtual worlds. One example is the recent $6M settlement between Blizzard Entertainment and MDY Industries. Blizzard Entertainment makes the popular online game called “World of Warcraft.”
World of Warcraft is competitive, with thousands of people from all over the world participating at any given time. The longer people play in the game world, the more powerful their game characters become. A company called MDY Industries created a program called “WoWGlider,” which would “play” for the gamer in World of Warcraft. When gamers came back, their characters would be more powerful because of the time “played” by WoWGlider. Blizzard sued MDY for copyright infringment last year, and settled in late September after a summary judgment holding from the United States District Court of Arizona.
MDY made a simple argument: WoWGlider itself did not copy or modify the World of Warcraft game—instead, it only interacted with the game software by simulating a human player. MDY admitted that use of WoWGlider was prohibited by Blizzard’s terms of use. It simply argued that WoWGlider did not infringe Blizzard’s copyright, because it never did anything more than communicate with the World of Warcraft software.
To win, Blizzard advanced a novel copyright argument. Blizzard noted that any time software is run on a computer, a copy of the software loaded into the computer memory (the RAM) so that the computer can execute it. Blizzard argued that this “RAM copy” was authorized when a human was playing the game, but prohibited when WoWGlider was playing the game in violation of Blizzard’s terms of use. The court held that violating the terms of use exceeded the copyright license granted by Blizzard, making the RAM copy of the game infringing.
Blizzard and MDY aren’t alone in arguing about the legal ramifications of digital games. “Cutting-edge graphics and great storytelling aren’t enough to keep this industry going,” according to Dr. Peter Raad, executive director of The Guildhall at SMU, a graduate-level educational game development program at Southern Methodist University. “Successful publishers and independent developers know that video gaming is a business first … a very big business. The legal issues are enormous for this industry. The only thing growing faster than this sector is the need of legal specialists who understand it fully.”
Digital gaming businesses need to juggle the demands of intellectual property, licensing, user-generated content, free speech, online ownership, revenue recognition, employee rights and new business opportunities.
Business issues also surround digital gaming. Last year, overall U.S. industry sales (which include not only software, but also accessories and hardware) were $18 billion, a new record, according to the NPD Group. NPD analyst Anita Frazier said this month that the U.S. is on track for sales in the $21-$23 billion range in 2008.
To further explore the legal and business issues surrounding digital gaming, The Guildhall at SMU, SMU Dedman School of Law and The Center for American and International Law have announced plans to hold Game::Business::Law, an international summit on the law and business of video games on January 14-15 in Dallas.
Mitch Lasky, general partner at Benchmark Capital, will lead the first day’s panels as keynote speaker. Mitch has spent more than two decades in the video game, new media and interactive entertainment business. Mike Hogan, chief marketing officer of GameStop Corporation, the world’s largest video game and entertainment software retailer, will be the keynote speaker on the second day of the conference.
“In some ways, we are only in the very early stages of understanding how the law applies to digital worlds,” says Xuan-Thao Nguyen, professor at the SMU Dedman School of Law. “So many of the rules in the law carry the implicit assumption that everything is physical. What happens when that assumption isn’t true?”
One example is the idea of trademark rights in virtual worlds. Brand owners are looking to extend their rights into these virtual worlds to protect “authentic” digital replicas that are created within the virtual worlds and to stop “unauthorized” digital replicas. In fact, many physical world brand owners have established a presence in one virtual world known as Second Life to advertise or sell “authentic” digital replicas of their physical products.
Additionally, brands for virtual products are being created and maintained solely within the virtual world of Second Life, and these brand owners are looking to protect their rights within the virtual world, perhaps with the intent to expand into the physical world. As these two worlds collide, the traditional notions of physical world infringement will be put to the test. And, while some early lawsuits have been filed involving unauthorized digital replicas within Second Life, and attempts have been made to protect virtual brands, these issues still remain unanswered and untested.
The only certainty in the new business of digital gaming is that it will be a hotbed of legal and business activity—it literally is a whole new world. For example, the Game::Business::Law summit will be examining business models for digital games, including the effect of In re Bilski on business method patents; game finance and venture capital; game-related litigation, and regulatory and free speech issues in games.
More information on the Game Business Law Summit is found at www.game-business-law.com
Microsoft Uses PS3 Home for Virtual Meetings
The console war is full of very tough battles, with the top three manufacturers, Nintendo, Microsoft and Sony engaged in a bitter fight over each customer. Although this competition is filled with benefits for the people who buy these consoles, it seems that some of its results can also be used by the companies themselves.
Case in point, Sony’s new online service, Home, which has been recently launched in an open beta stage at the beginning of December. It seems that the main target for this new system, which is to be an online meeting place for PlayStation 3 users, where they can socialize with old friends and meet new people, isn’t the only thing that sparked an interest in the real-world society.
According to a new project, commissioned by Advanced Workplace Associates and led by Dr Nipan Maniar and Manish Malik from Portsmouth University, in the United Kingdom, it seems that the PlayStation 3’s Home service can be used for virtual meetings. This new endeavor, which currently features a few companies, like Ernst & Young, Merrill Lynch and, most shocking of all, Microsoft, aims at providing a more effective alternative to the usual teleconferences, for companies that have offices across the world.
Andrew Mawson, the managing director of Advanced Workplace Associates, declared that:
“Increasingly we are living in a world without borders where workers need to collaborate on a global scale. Audio and video-conferencing solutions have emerged but the use of virtual worlds may offer the next evolution in overcoming the tyranny of distance - a more realistic and learning-enhanced environment.”
Considering the fact that its own Xbox Live service does enable voice chat and avatar interaction, thanks to the New Xbox Experience, Microsoft’s decision to partake in such a study might seem a bit weird. This also seems a bit contrary to the statements made by the company’s group product manager for the Xbox 360, Aaron Greenberg, who stated that Home was still a gamer-oriented Second Life, highlighting the similarities to Sony’s product and the popular online interaction application.
Final Fantasy XI throws a bovine bonanza for the Year of the Ox
Filed under: Fantasy, Final Fantasy XI, Events, in-game
Those moogles are crazy, ya’know? First they almost cause a buffalo stampede for the opening of the Mog House Management Union Buffalo Bonanza Ranch (try saying that three times fast) and only now do they realize that buffalo eat a lot. Sadly, these poor moogles ended up working during all of the holiday festivities just to keep their buffalo happy. That’s heartbreaking by anybody’s standards.
Yet, while the moogles work, herdsmen have come from the ranch on behalf of the MHMU to bring us buffalo based treats and festivities to the streets of the four main cities of Vana’diel. Plus, if you journey outside of your city’s walls, you’re bound to run into a few loose buffalo being chased by the MHMU ranchers. Trade them some of your unwanted items, and perhaps they might be so kind to pay you back with free buffs, or new year’s gifts!
To make sure we didn’t miss anything with this story, I spoke with Masskupoively, our resident news moogle. He provided great insight into what the MHMU was considering with this festive event.
Masskupoively: Kupo! Kuuupo, kupo kupo! Kupoooooooo~!
Truly, words spoken by a news master. Final Fantasy XI adventurers, be sure to check out the New Year’s Event in Vana’diel, it’s only running until January 12th!
Final Fantasy XI throws a bovine bonanza for the Year of the Ox originally appeared on Massively on Mon, 05 Jan 2009 09:00:00 EST. Please see our terms for use of feeds.
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Gamer feels cheated by FFXI’s sneaky hidden fees [update 1]
![b65b4_ffxi_box Gamer feels cheated by FFXIs sneaky hidden fees [update 1]](http://www.game-pet.com/wp-content/plugins/wp-o-matic/cache/b65b4_ffxi_box.jpg "Gamer Feels Cheated By Ffxis Sneaky Hidden Fees [update 1]")
Davis Freeberg wrote to Joystiq to let us know that he feels ripped off by the lack of disclosure about the fees required to play Final Fantasy XI for the Xbox 360.
Though experienced PC MMOG players and other hardcore gamers know that games of this type typically include monthly fees, Freeberg appears to be more typical of console gamers. He expected to be able to buy the game, pop it in, and start playing. Instead, he was required to spend hours installing the game and registering for a separate online service before he was told that the game would cost $12.95 per month plus an additional $1.00 per month per character (beyond the first) he created.
Deceitful marketing or clumsy mistake? Click “continue” below to see what we found.
Here’s what we found:
- The installation process for the game is, by all accounts, clunky and unfriendly. You might be able to get away with that on the PS2, which doesn’t have a unified, easy-to-use online service, but it’s shameful to allow the same to happen on the 360 which has won kudos for being user friendly.
- Requiring consumers to complete an hours-long installation process before fees are spelled out is shady and manipulative. Researchers have demonstrated that large sunk costs (of time or of money) increase the likelihood that individuals will continue to pay for small incremental charges that occur later. Final Fantasy XI’s install process seems to prey on this common psychological vulnerability: the upfront cost of the game ($50 plus tax/shipping) is followed by a large time investment (the hours-long install process). By the time the $13.95 minimum monthly fee is disclosed, many gamers may feel that they may as well follow through after such large investments of time and money.
